Incognito

I should have left it unseen, ’cause now it hurts. Simple words yet sharp enough for me to be speechless. I’d rather have it seen-zoned but I’m afraid those words would be your last message for me.

And so I replied.

It hurts when you said you’d lie low. It hurts when you said you would rather be silent for the meantime…which is obviously indefinite. I’m not sure what’s going on between you and her. I can only assume that you’re arranging terms with her…that possibly, you’re settling things with her and make everything work.

And me? What about me? I guess I’m just an incognito in your life. After all, that’s what you made me feel for almost two years. I wanted to be closer, but you left me standing still in front of the door of your life. Yes, you gave me a sneak peek of what it’s like to be in your world. It was actually a new, dark and scary one for me. So I don’t know what got into me when I still tried to break in. I guess I was just too curious. And my curiosity brought me to this painful moment, when you softly slapped to my face that I will always be your option. Just your option.

Deep inside, I am so angry. Not on you, but on myself. I am so angry because I knew this moment will eventually and inevitably come yet I still chose to hold on to the illusion that maybe someday you’d be the one for me. No matter how impossible our circumstance might be, I still held on to that illusion. Several times, I broke my pride and maybe, somehow, it gave you the “right” to treat me this way. You don’t deserve me. I know that you know that fact. But the stupid version of myself ignores that.

No, I don’t love you. I’m not sure. Maybe I want to, but I’m afraid. Confusing. Strange.

I’ll try not to send a word. But I can’t promise. But I will try my hardest, until I can really move forward.

If my assumption was right, then my congratulation to you was indeed the right word to say. But hey at least instill in your head that it was just 50-50 sincere.

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