I know, I know.
That is not even the slightest description of our reality. I guess those are the words I’ve been rehearsing to say to you when we reach the end of our getting-to-know phase. Well, I am not even sure now if we will ever arrive at that ending since I feel like shaky as I stand here at the top of our brittle curve, waiting for you from your detour, unsure if you would ever actually come. And if we ever did come to the end of this phase and meet you flesh to flesh, I wonder if you, Mr. J, would also be like the famous villain of the comical universe; an uncanny man who is deeply influenced by the harsh reality of society masked by a cool and gentle facade. Or am I just overthinking…again?
It’s been months (or maybe a year now?) since we first said our first HIs and HELLOs. You were lost and I was carefree. You were scarred and I was naive. When I asked you, “why life?” I did not expect a serious reply but you did give me one. It wasn’t much but somehow I had a small overview of the kind of person you were. As we talked, I already conditioned myself that our talk won’t last for long. That’s the fact that I got used to. But it seemed surreal when you said that I caught your curiosity and interest.
At least for the couple of months that passed by, you made me feel important. You made me feel as if we’ve been good friends for quite a while. But the only thing you haven’t made me feel is your trust, the one that I gave you without a second thought. Why? I don’t know actually. I just had this gut in me that maybe you’re not the kind to ruin someone’s life. What made me think that? Because you gave me a glimpse of the cyber world , even when I didn’t ask for it. It made me feel you’re concerned. It made me feel you’re not fake. At least, let me just hang on to that thinking.
I haven’t tagged any price for the trust I gave you. It was free of charge, which I don’t normally do. Even that action is still a mystery in my head as of this writing. I guess I am easily fooled, even when I think I am wise enough. The only bargain I had to deal for myself is the thinking that I won’t lose anything. I understood your lack of physical identity, because I understood you weren’t supposed to trust. At least, that’s what you learned from the person whom you have loved for years. Yeah, she gave you that hard hit…and I understood. Who am I in the first place? Ha! Yeah, just a stranger you’ve met in a site known for hookups. Yeah, a person you should never entrust with anything and every thing. I was that lady you thought I am. Maybe.
I used to overthink things…about your perception of me. I used to think more of the possible rejection that entails when you suddenly distanced. At least, that’s how I assumed for your sudden loss of connection. I used to think about what I wrong I possibly did for the past few months. Then you suddenly left messages with an unsure feel to it. I was just surprised to see the words and so I thought I leave you a reply…replies…that are waiting to be responded too. And the waiting lasted for days until I finally conditioned myself I should just go on and not wait anymore or whatsoever.
I became busier which is really really beneficial since I lost track of time. Maybe it’s the Christmas season and the New Year that made me preoccupied for quite a while. I have lined up some ambiguous plans for the coming year and I am still hoping that this time, I’ll be true to my own little goals. Time for me to make up and catch up with the few real friends I have taken for granted a little bit. I am still trying my luck to check if you’re back. Indeed you’re back and I truly understood that you also have your own busy schedule.
At least I already asked you the question I dreaded to ask, if I could possibly meet you flesh to flesh. And I appreciated your negative response and understood the reason for it, which I actually didn’t ask for. I think since that moment, I somehow seized to look eagerly for something that I’ve been looking for since years ago. I felt tired, which I don’t want to really. It’s just that when I look for something special, the wrong people seem to come by. Oh, maybe “wrong” is not the right term. Who knows, maybe it’s just the wrong time. Who knows?
I wish to bid goodbye to my worries for 2016 and welcome 2017 with a renewed positivism. And when it comes to this aspect, I guess I’ll just stick the famous line “come what may.”
Nonetheless, I’ll still reserve the words “nice to meet you” for that time when I could possibly meet you. Who knows, I’d be able to meet you so we can see each other’s future spouses and children right? Seems interesting…